Saturday, March 30, 2013

34 weeks


Total weight gain thus far: 29 lbs

OB says everything looks good. No changes this week. Blood work from last week looked great. No anemia; my hemoglobin was 12.8 (normal 12-16), and my hematocrit was 39 (normal 35-45). My BP was back down and looked better. No swelling. Finally gaining some weight since he's dropped. He tends to be under my ribcage on the right side quite frequently. Some of his jabs and kicks are no joke. They hurt! My favorite thing lately is him getting the hiccups. He gets them up to 4 times a day! I think it's just adorable. I always tell Josh when he has them, because he gets a kick out of feeling him hiccup. We both wish we could see it on an ultrasound again, but at least we got to experience that once. It was so cute. I've had a lot of pain in between my shoulders on the lower right side. It may just be where the baby is positioned. He tends to favor curling up on the right. My cervix has also been the victim of a lot of pain and pressure lately. But I got something that took all of that away!

Josh and I were in Babies R Us picking up some things left on our registry, and I saw a belly support band. I've thought of getting one, but they never have them in stores for me to try on to see if they actually work.

I carefully unpackaged the belly band, and Josh helped me put it on. It made a huge difference! I hated anything tight under my belly in the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but this thing couldn't have hugged my belly tight enough! What amazing support. Sold. It takes the weight off of my cervix and back. Love that thing!

Daddy wanted to take a few pictures in the nursery, too...


How much more he's dropped in 2 weeks!!!




Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Lexi's Birthday

Today marks one year that we said goodbye to our baby girl.

Since she passed away prior to her birth, it's hard for me to consider it a real "birthday." Even if she were born alive on this day 12 months ago, her gestational age was not viable for survival outside the womb. That makes it hard for me to think "she would be one year old today." Instead, I tend to see it as the day we were all forced to say goodbye. Around her due date (August 4th), is when I feel more like she would have been one year. It's still heart breaking. Her little brother is not a replacement, but a Godsend. He has played a major part in our healing, and I believe she will be with us through him.

Josh and I finally finished a beach-themed memorial for her in our home.

We had Lexi's name written in the sand at sunset via a memorial site. I purchased the rights to Lexi's sunset picture from her and had it printed at a professional photography lab. We recently framed it in a floaing frame.
The framed picture is an actual picture of a butterfly drawn in the sand with hibiscus, a carnation, and a rose making up the body. I purchased the rights to it, as well. There is a poem underneath that reads:
"A butterfly came floating by, and I thought I knew her face.
She landed on my shoulder and spread her wings of lace.
I looked and saw her smiling, and as she winked and flew away,
I'm sure I heard her whisper, 'We will meet again one day.'"
The teddy bear was given to us by the hospital after Lexi was born. They also made the little clay circle (which somewhat resembles a sand dollar to me), and the sweet nurses imprinted her hand and footprints on it for us.
The candle is for October 15th, a day of remembrance when candles are lit for one hour at 7pm across the world. This way, there is always a candle burning for 24 hours on this day for babies lost.
This is the tattoo I have on my ankle, so I can always carry my baby girl with me. This picture was taken in the final stage of healing, so it still looks very dry. Originally, I just wanted her footprints on the side of my foot. She had my feet, and she left her "print" on me forever. So, this seemed very fitting. A friend of mine recommended getting the sand butterfly tattooed on me, because it was so beautiful. I knew the detail in the picture would never be able to be duplicated without it being enormous, though. I went to talk to a local guy with an amazing reputation for grey wash tattooing. I just wanted an opinion and some thoughts. I had a picture of the sand butterfly and her footprints. He was very blunt. He said he didn't recommend tattooing on the side of the foot as they tend to fade extremely fast due to the amount of skin regeneration in that area. He suggested just above my ankle bone. He showed me where he would place it and how he would incorporate the footprints and her name. He said he would use grey wash and white highlighting for detail since he couldn't mimic the sand detail in such a small portrait. He was very honest and said he would "do [his] best" on the flower details, as he typically did detailed flowers the size of actual flowers and not pinheads. I told him I was in no hurry to get this done. Looking through his scheduling book, he looked up at me and said, "The first day I have available is this Saturday." I had butterflies in my stomach. That Saturday just happened to be August 4th, 2012, Lexi's due date. I didn't even hesitate. I told him I would take it! It just felt right. And I'm so glad that I did. He did a wonderful job. Better than I could have anticipated. It took about 3.5 hours, if I remember correctly. The footprints are Lexi's and true size. The flowers are half the size of my pinky fingernail, and he did an amazing job with the detail! I was so impressed.


And there you have it. A day of remembrance for our baby girl. A reflection of pain and gratefulness in one amazing bundle.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Nursery

Luke's Room



It took me forever to finish his name above the crib. I ordered raw, wooden letters and fabric samples back in January. I cut out the fabric and glued it to each letter. Some were more tricky than others, and the fabrics are not all the same material. The real hold up was finding a bedding that was satisfying to me. I wanted bold earth tones in geometric shapes. Do you know how incredibly hard it is to find bedding when you have something very specific in mind?! I should have found bedding first, then themed the nursery around that. It took months! When I found this safari-themed bedding, I decided I could live with it, and here it is. I think it actually fits in well, and I'm pleased. I found some green ribbon that resembled the green in the bedding the closest. I hot glued them to the letters, took a few measurements, then nailed them to the wall. Tada! LUKE. 
I told Josh, "His name is for real permanent now. No changing it. That took me forever!" He just laughed. He humors me as he knows I had nothing better to do on bedrest anyway. He still hasn't made a final decision on a middle name yet, though. I'm not rushing it. I figured when we are filling out Luke's birth certificate information, he'll have thought of something very fitting. I hope...

The dresser is now full of onesies, diapers, wipes, sheets, you name it. All thanks to some awesome friends and family! 



We still need a side table and lamp to go by our glider in that empty space on the right. Josh is wanting to put a bench-type seat under the length of the window. He found one at Kirklands with a cushion on the top and wicker baskets underneath for storage that he likes. He said it would be a good starter for holding toys. There's a reason, among many, that I married this guy. 

Miles loves the rug

And the tiger...

Actually, tiger is pretty popular. Tank curled up on him and slept while I sat in the glider and read. Bless it. 

Well, there ya have it. Can't wait to bring our little man home now! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Baby Shower

The morning didn't start out very well.

My hands and legs were swollen when I woke up, before I even got out of bed! I lay on my hands a lot when I sleep, but I was still a little concerned, nonetheless. I decided to check my BP. It was 118/90. That sounds great, but keep in mind I take a huge dosage of Procardia (nifedipine) twice a day to control contractions. That is a medication to control high blood pressure, by the way, and my BP is usually 100's/60's. After the baby shower, I noticed in the pictures how swollen my face and legs were. I was on my feet a lot more than I should have been, and I may have overdid it that morning a tad. 

The baby shower was wonderful, though! It was casual and coed, very laid back. About 50-55 people came to our home to celebrate with us. We had lots of food, mostly BBQ as that was our theme. As for the weather, it didn't rain and was in the high 50s. Not too bad. Everyone was so generous. It was overwhelming. We received so many wonderful gifts and lots of love. I didn't take one single picture. My mom took 300+ pictures! I took the time to crop, straighten, and sharpen most of the images. I deleted duplicates and really blurry ones. I also took some extra time to put some fun touches on some of them. I ended up with a little over 150 pictures. I won't post them all on my blog, but I'll recap with a few of my favorites...


The invitations that I made










My dear friend Meghna's beautiful sash that she made me. It was such a hit, and I received so many compliments. 

I need to get started on my thank you cards now. I have LOTS to write. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Weighing In

Drum roll, please....

Another negative fFN test! What?!?! Yeah! That gives us high chances of making it to almost 35 weeks!

Another drum roll....

Baby weighs an estimated 4 lbs 10 oz, measuring 3 days ahead!!! I'm in such disbelief and awe right now. I'm grateful beyond words. I've only gained 1 "extra" pound since 28 weeks, but he is growing like a weed. That makes me feel so good. My cervix looked like crap, but hey, what's new? It was down to about 12mm and opening severely from the inside-something they call funneling. Funneling is normal with real labor contractions, and is typically what breaks the amniotic sac naturally. Even though the swab test gives us a very, very low chance of actually delivering in the next two weeks, I still have to be careful and take it easy with my cervix acting that way so that my water doesn't break.

The big day is tomorrow! The baby shower I didn't think we were even going to have. Grateful again. I'm a little nervous to have so many people in my house (a 1st for me), but I'm so excited to see everyone that I don't even care! Josh has worked so hard cleaning and getting our home in order (we had a messy, stressful renovation & redid our entire living room). He's done so much and so well. Everything looks stunning.

My mom has been baby showering. If a store had something that said It's A Boy, they don't anymore. My dining room has the most adorable gift table and tons of balloons and decorations. She's went slightly mad I do believe. I'm proud of her, though. She's done really well.

I'm excited about picking up the cake/cupcakes tomorrow morning from the bakery! I just hope there are plenty to go around. We invited 100+ people, and I think 50 or 60 RSVPd. Whew. It's suppose to be cloudy, cold, and rainy. Boo. So, it's like my mom said, either less people will come because its a nasty day and they don't want to get out, or everyone will come because its a nasty day and there's nothing else to do. We shall see.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

32 weeks


 
Total weight gain thus far: 25 lbs


Gained back the 2 lbs that I lost. So, we are back at the same weight as we were at 28 weeks. That was one month ago, so I'm a little nervous that I haven't really gained anything. Yesterday, my fundal height was measuring 1-2 weeks behind at my OB's. Same conversation regarding difficulty eating with the hiatal hernia. However, recently (as in the last couple of days) I noticed that the pain has been much less, I have been able to eat more, and I've had less issues with reflux. Breathing has also been a little easier. I should have known there was a reason for this. It is known as "lightening." It is when the baby "drops," and the head becomes "engaged." This typically happens in the last month of pregnancy, and sometimes not until active labor begins.

This is an "engaged" baby at a 0 station. +4 is crowning, for a reference.


The OB said our little guy was at about a -1 station, meaning he is almost engaged for birth. Yikes! It's exciting, because we are so close to having him. But it's also scary, because it's still so early. She said you can be "engaged" for weeks, though. Only time will tell... For now, I will enjoy being able to breathe a little better, and I will take full advantage of being able to eat more! Hopefully, I will gain some weight by next week, and he will be measuring on track. The only disadvantage to him dropping this much is that my bladder has to share that space where his head is now residing. Not so much fun for mommy at night.

Little man was doing well at our ultrasound yesterday. He was drinking and swallowing perfectly. So cute to watch. 8 out 8 BPP score again. Little guy is a rockstar! Next week we get to check his growth, and we have another fFN test (the swab test I refer to every 2 weeks that rules out real labor in the next 7-10 days). Still dilated at about 1 cm. My cervix was dynamic, meaning it was changing during the ultrasound, lengthening and shortening (possibly due to contractions, but I couldn't feel any). The shortest it got was 9 mm and the longest was 16 mm. 9 mm is a little nerve-wracking. Typically, there is a good distance between his head and the cervix on the ultrasound, but not this time. Yesterday, his head was on top of the cervix; not a smidge between the two! Speaking of between the two, we did get to see some fuzzy little hair on top of his head! Technology is so amazing. 

I'll add some more 32 week pictures that I edited (boredom...)

I may not have gained weight, but my belly has definitely grown!

This picture reminds me of that 80's music video "Take Me On"

Sandwiching the bump

Sunday, March 10, 2013

In The Making

Just wanted to share some fun stuff...

I made this "diaper trike" for my own baby shower as a centerpiece. I've made diaper cakes before, but this was my 1st attempt at a diaper tricycle. And I have to say, I'm rather pleased with how it turned out!

Meet "Stretch." He was sitting in a glider that Josh and I tested out at Babies R Us back in the early months. He was so soft and cuddly. We had just decided (that day I think) that we were going to do the African safari theme for the nursery, so Josh wanted to buy him for Luke. We did. He sat on Josh's nightstand for a few months, and maybe even in bed with him a time or two ☺️ I found it highly appropriate to put a pair of Luke's shoes that my mom got for him on Stretch and put him on the trike for Luke's baby shower.

This is a beautiful maternity sash that you wear around the top of your belly with a ribbon. A dear friend of mine made this for me. We are currently two peas in a very close pod. We are pregnant 4 days apart, both in preterm labor, cervical issues, bedrest, the whole shabang! She is an absolute doll and a lifesaver when it comes to needing someone to relate to in the insanity of preterm labor. And it was so sweet of her to make this beautiful sash for me. I plan to wear this at my baby shower instead of the traditional corsage that the mother-to-be usually wears. I will upload lots of pictures from the baby shower if we make it that far (fingers crossed)! It is on March 23rd, and I will be exactly 33 weeks.
I found a girl on etsy to custom make this outfit for Luke as his coming-home-from-the-hospital outfit. I also want to use it in his newborn portraits. It was just a listing for the hat and leg warmers. She worked with me to create a matching onesie and made it a preemie size for me. She even made the hat in a preemie size with a roll-up brim to adjust to fit his head. I told her I was in preterm labor and wasn't sure if he would be early or closer to term. I told her how big that ole head of his was measuring, though lol. She told me last, minute before she shipped it, that she made me another onesie in a newborn size and another hat in a larger size "just in case" at no additional charge. How sweet of her?! I have an adorable little grey vest that will go with it, too! I can't wait to pack it in his hospital bag.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Hiccups

The swab test to rule out active labor in the next 7-10 days was negative again! Hard to even believe, especially after believing it was positive at first-long story for another day. I'm just so grateful it was negative! Hopefully, that gets us to the baby shower in 2 weeks! The minimum I am trying to hold out at this point is 34 weeks. 34 weeks gets us to a crucial stage that typically requires minimal NICU stay.

My cervix appeared to shorten quite a bit, though. From 18 mm to 13.6 mm. It's been losing about 1 mm every week, but lost over 4 mm this week. My Perinatologist wasn't overly concerned. She said she typically sees cervixes at 15 mm by 32-34 weeks, so I wasn't too far off of the 'normal' tracks. I told her my contractions had been getting closer together more frequently and stronger. She increased the dosage on my BP meds for the contractions, and we figured that was probably what shortened it so much in a week. Not too mention, we had a major renovation in our house done this week. And that wasn't stressful at all. Read: sarcasm.

My Peri really likes the negative fetal fibronectin test, though. She took great assurance in that, as did I. She has a lot of confidence that we are going to make it to 34 weeks at a bare minimum, possibly full term, believe it or not! She said they have to induce preterm labor patients at full term quite often. That makes me feel confident.

Prior to the cervical check, we got to check out little man. His BPP score was 8 out of 8 again. Love that. And he had the hiccups during the scan! It was the most adorable thing I have ever seen. Josh and I laughed and smiled so much while we watched him hiccup on the screen. His little chest bounced, and his little bottom lipped sort of sucked in and quivered when he hiccuped. I'm telling you, it just made my day! Did I mention it was the most adorable thing that I've ever seen?! Because it was! And we got some cute 3D pics! I have an anterior placenta, so his face was partially covered by it, but they are still cute nonetheless.







Monday, March 4, 2013

You Can't Judge Me Here

I feel as though I'm a sea of complaints lately, teeter tottering the storm waves of my emotions. Their tides are high, and I can't help but feel as though I'm coming across as 'ungrateful' a large majority of the time lately. I don't think most people contemplate graciousness before a complaint leaves their pouty lips. It is consistently etched in my mind, though.

There are things that I am struggling with that are beyond my control. To lose control is chaos; a disorderly mess; jumbled confusion. According to neuroscientists, the type of stress that can cause harm to our bodies is when we feel out of control. I am completely out of control of the hiatal hernia I am suffering from. I've lost weight due to an inability to eat. I am in pain when I eat or drink enough to actually satisfy my hunger. I have vomited 4-6 hours after my last meal due to an inability to digest the food I have consumed. I cannot lie down 4-5 hours after eating or drinking an actual meal; it's typically 2-3 hours after a snack or large drink. The pressure my uterus is placing on my stomach forces it through my diaphragm, making my stomach and esophagus essentially like a jug. I lie down, and all the contents slowly spill out. I can feel it coming all of the way from my stomach to my esophagus and, eventually, to the back of my throat where I either must choose to swallow or vomit. Nice, huh? That can happen as often as every 10 seconds for 4-6 hours after a meal. It can make life seem so miserable. I have actually inhaled the stomach contents that have come up from my esophagus in my sleep and woke up coughing and choking. It's such a scary feeling to wake up and feel like you're drowning. The less I eat, the less pain, the less vomiting, the less stress... But I cannot gain weight if I do not eat. I lost 2 lbs at my 30 week check up, and my baby was measuring 'on track,' but in the 40-something percentile instead of the 74th that he was in just one week prior. This absolutely broke my heart. My doctor said babies go through growth spells and not to worry. She says babies will take exactly what they need from mom. My reply: But I need to be supplying something for him to take. So, she suggested Boost shakes. One step ahead there. I had already started drinking those when I weighed myself at home and realized I wasn't gaining. However, I cannot drink them on an empty stomach due to the amount of vitamins they have in them. They can make me pretty nauseous. But I can't consume a meal and drink the shakes together. It's been a dilemma. I'm trying the SlimFast shakes. They are designed for meal replacement, and they don't seem to be making me nauseous. I don't replace meals with them, though. I drink them as inbetween snacks, midnight snacks, etc. I try to have at least 2 a day. We'll see if it helps any. The last thing I want is an even smaller preemie. I want him as big as possible since weight is an important factor for survival in a preemie.

Another thing I am struggling with is bedrest. For different reasons than one would think, though. I knew nesting was an instinct, but I did not know how STRONG of an instinct it was! Apparently, it is strongest just prior to the onset of labor to instigate the mother to prepare the area for birth. Ever seen an animal right before birth? It's insane how they start acting. I've been in labor for 6 weeks! Before I knew I was in preterm labor, the nesting began. I was insanely trying to clean every square inch of my home, literally. It was a true obsession that everything must be extremely clean and tidy. Something I cannot begin to explain to you, unless you are already OCD like that. Then, just multiply that OCD a few times. My body was going into labor, and my instincts were kicking in to prepare. Now, I have forced my body to slow down the labor process, but I cannot stop it. Thus, that instinct is still there. It sits on my shoulders day in and day out. Every little speck of dust just drives me insane. I want things neat and orderly. I want to get on my hands and knees and scrub the floors; I want to clean baseboards; I want to caulk the cracks in my crown moulding; I want to do it all! And yet I just sit, staring at everything I am so deeply intuned to be doing, having to control myself not to so that I do not go into active labor and have my son too early. Activity and prolonged standing bring on contractions for me, and those nasty contractions mess with my cervix. It is so hard to fight instinct. It feels unnatural and unrelenting. That is my struggle with bedrest. I am fighting a natural urge to prepare for my son's arrival so that he doesn't arrive. What an absolute hipocrisy. I am a very instinctual person, VERY intuned to my natural instincts. I am also a very logical person. These two personality traits are currently at war with one another in this situation, and I am smack dab in the middle.

I feel as though my back is weighed heavily with judgement for each little complaint I make. And believe me, these aren't complaints I make very often or even aloud sometimes. But I need to get them out every now and again. They build up inside me and create emotions that I am not currently equipped to deal with. Nothing is perfect, and I can't say that I am just happy and grateful every single moment of this journey. Now, I can definitely say that about our son, though! Every little move I feel, even if it's a painful one, and every little glimpse we get of him on an ultrasound is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt, and I breathe every ounce of it in with graciousness. The rest of my body, and how it's behaving, just pisses me off. And I just need to get that part off of my chest every now and again. Sometimes, when I make a complaint outloud regarding the hardships in this pregnancy, I feel some pretty heavy judgement. Nothing that is ever said, but you just feel it, ya know? I can't feel that here, though. This is where I can release my anguish. No one is forced to be here or hear what I have to say. This is for my own execution.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

30 weeks


Total weight gain thus far: 23 lbs
Baby's weight: 3 lbs 3 oz
 
I lost 2 lbs, but baby gained 2 oz. in a week. Wish it were more, but at least he gained something even though I lost weight. His head is measuring 2-3 weeks ahead of his gestational age! Doc says it's because he's a white boy lol. Apparently caucasion male babies have larger heads in general. Interesting little fact for ya there... Was for me!