No one could have explained to me what being a mommy was going to be like or just how much it would change my life in every aspect.
Work used to really stress me out. I have a job with a lot of responsibility/liability on my shoulders. Maybe it's because I've only been back for a brief time since having Luke, but things are different. I don't drive home rethinking everything that happened at work, what I should or shouldn't have done/said, or what I need to do the next day. I drive home wondering what kind of mood Luke is going to be in, imagining what he smells like, and how his soft skin will feel against mine. I don't stress when I am not in bed by 8pm. I just live life on the fly. I would prefer more sleep, but I'm well-adjusted to missing it. I never imagined that I could be one of those people that could function on 2-4 hours of sleep. And sometimes we aren't talking consecutively; maybe 20 minutes here, 40 there, etc. And because I'm the type of person who needed a good 10-12 hours of sleep to feel productive, I would have a child that would sleep no more than a few hours at a time. That's ok. I've overcome much worse. This child makes me feel like I can conquer the World! No doubt. He's the most challenging thing I have EVER had in my life! And yet the most rewarding.
I hear a lot of people say they are "blessed" when things are easy, textbook, or going as planned/better than expected in their lives. Guilty myself. But if someone else's definition of "blessed" defined it for me, I'm pretty sure I would be cursed. It seems like I can't remember an easy road. I feel scarred from having to climb the side of a mountain to get pretty much anywhere I've been trying to go.
My childhood was difficult due to a severe lack of structure. Anyone "blessed" through teenage years? Yeah, me either. I lost my brother and grandmother within two months of each other. Marriage started out very rocky and difficult for Josh and I. We couldn't conceive, after trying for years. Fertility treatments were failing. We lost our daughter. I lost Luke's twin early on, went into preterm labor, was put on bedrest, had a rough L&D, then NICU. And now our son has been very difficult compared to other babies his age. Those are just the high points of some of the most difficult times in my life thus far. But here's why I am "blessed": because despite the fact that I pointed out the negatives, the way those difficulties have shaped me is what makes me who I am. And I am a person that can overcome anything. I am a person that can see past the negative and find the good. I am a person that is inspired and becomes inspirational.
Proving it to myself, I see my childhood as the basis, foundation, and structure to everything I am now. It was a poor foundation, weak and wobbly, until I understood life a little better. Maybe I credit my interest in my pschycology and sociology classes in college? Who knows? But once I realized that I wasn't defined by my past, and I could live in the now, my viewpoints and life changed dramatically. Through a lack of structure, I found a profound independence in myself. I was a leader. I learned very early that the way you treat people, and how you make them feel, directly affects how you feel about yourself. I know adults who still refuse to believe this. Their loss.
I found appreciation for life after losing my brother and grandmother when I was 17. I was finally close to both of them for the first time in my life. The emptiness hurts. The loneliness scars. I lived "loosely," as older teens do. No fear of dying. I've read it has to do with brain maturity. At that age, the area in the prefrontal cortex that processes consequences and the instinct of fear (needed for survival of our species) is still very underdeveloped. I believe this was the argument in the northern US states for having an older age requirement to obtain a driver's license. I could be making that up? It just seems like I remember reading that once. Back to my story. My grandmother died of cancer and my brother a single car accident. My brother would still be here if he'd been wearing a seatbelt. Talk about a wake up call. I can't tell you how "grown up" I became about vehicle safety, particularly wearing a seatbelt. Which I still don't understand how people drive/ride in a car without a seatbelt on?! I wonder if they would be comfortble on a roller coaster without lap bars?! It's essentially the same thing. They both do about the same speeds, and while a vehicle may be enclosed, it can still go upside down. Crazy people out there. Anyway, I started to live less risky and took more control of my life, from that point on. I talked about my brother a lot. I even gave a heartfelt speech about seatbelt safety in college. I'm terrified of the day my son starts driving, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Today, he is still lying in my arms.
College was a hard time in my life, but I am a much different person because of it. Education doesn't make people better than others, but it does seem to occasionally bring out the insecurities in the people around you. I still feel insecure around physicians with tons of experience and published research studies. It's intimidating. But it's really all in the head of the intimidatee, because those who try to be intimidators typically intimidate no one.
Before nursing school, I enjoyed college. I worked full time and took night classes and online classes. I loved the people I met, and the things I learned. Nursing school was the worst part for me. I was flat out bullied by a couple of my instructors. Ridiculous, immature, and unprofessional. One of my instructors had the audacity to say to me: "Pateints want a nurse that is competent, not sweet." This stemmed from the accusation that I was "too nice" to my patients and that I worried more about them liking me than taking care of them. The part of me wanting to be a nurse was the fact that I love to help and care for others. I am truly compassionate for other human beings, and it was never an "act" with my patients. That teacher insinuated that I could not be kind and competent at the same time. Oh, if only she could see me now. She wanted me kicked out of the program. She made my life Hell, and with all honesty, I hated her. And to make matters even worse, there were a group of girls... Ha! Girls. Grown ass women, I should say. I had this feeling that they were no good, just rotten to the their cores. But it was just a feeling, a hunch, nothing concrete. Until I sat in a satellite class with them where others couldn't hear them. I listened to them laugh and make fun of other classmates, people that they were unbelievably nice to when around. I knew it! Jerks. Immature, childish women. I'm so glad I've never seen them again since graduation! I will say that I am very happily still friends with some amazing people that I met in my nursing class, though. They made life so much more tolerable during that time, and they don't even know this very important fact. Maybe I should confess it to them one day? Yet again, another good outcome from a poisonous environment.
Everything in life is a matter of finding the good in a bad environment. I am responsible for all of my own experiences. And I take full responsibility of that in my life. And I am happier.
Back to my son being more difficult than other babies his age. I will accept responsibility for that, as well. I don't have a predictable schedule for him, and I choose to breastfeed, even though I do not make enough milk for him. I supplement with formula when needed. I don't starve him (whew obviously-have you seen the size of this kid?). But when I breastfeed him, it's hard to tell how much he ate, thus how much supplementation he needs. I just start out with one or two ounces of formula and continue to mix it at 1-2 oz intervals as he needs. This is freakin tedious. Not like poppin a baby on a boob for 10-15 min then burp and done. It's a game. Is he full? Does he need more milk? How much? Ay yi yi. He's worth it, but it's very difficult to handle. My choice though, and I accept that.
I have not made a routine with him for a sleep schedule. We bathe every night, but the times are various, and he doesn't always go to bed afterwards. His naps are also sporadic. He doesn't put himself to sleep, and he tends to catnap. I HATE catnaps. They are the devil. I've heard consistency is key in sleep/nap scheduling, so I have a plan. We'll see how it goes.
Some people have those babies that can go with the flow of anything. Not mine. He needs constant attention, and gets bored easily. He wants a change of scenery all of the time. He stares at life outside with a curiosity inside of him that I know we will one day share.
I have a feeling he is going to be a deep thinker, motivated by good and intrigued by nature. I can't wait to watch this child grow up and get to know the amazing person he is going to become. I'm overjoyed to be a mom, finally. I am blessed.
