Lexi's Birthday

Today marks one year that we said goodbye to our baby girl.

Since she passed away prior to her birth, it's hard for me to consider it a real "birthday." Even if she were born alive on this day 12 months ago, her gestational age was not viable for survival outside the womb. That makes it hard for me to think "she would be one year old today." Instead, I tend to see it as the day we were all forced to say goodbye. Around her due date (August 4th), is when I feel more like she would have been one year. It's still heart breaking. Her little brother is not a replacement, but a Godsend. He has played a major part in our healing, and I believe she will be with us through him.

Josh and I finally finished a beach-themed memorial for her in our home.

We had Lexi's name written in the sand at sunset via a memorial site. I purchased the rights to Lexi's sunset picture from her and had it printed at a professional photography lab. We recently framed it in a floaing frame.

The framed picture is an actual picture of a butterfly drawn in the sand with hibiscus, a carnation, and a rose making up the body. I purchased the rights to it, as well. There is a poem underneath that reads:

"A butterfly came floating by, and I thought I knew her face.

She landed on my shoulder and spread her wings of lace.

I looked and saw her smiling, and as she winked and flew away,

I'm sure I heard her whisper, 'We will meet again one day.'"

The teddy bear was given to us by the hospital after Lexi was born. They also made the little clay circle (which somewhat resembles a sand dollar to me), and the sweet nurses imprinted her hand and footprints on it for us.

The candle is for October 15th, a day of remembrance when candles are lit for one hour at 7pm across the world. This way, there is always a candle burning for 24 hours on this day for babies lost.

This is the tattoo I have on my ankle, so I can always carry my baby girl with me. This picture was taken in the final stage of healing, so it still looks very dry. Originally, I just wanted her footprints on the side of my foot. She had my feet, and she left her "print" on me forever. So, this seemed very fitting. A friend of mine recommended getting the sand butterfly tattooed on me, because it was so beautiful. I knew the detail in the picture would never be able to be duplicated without it being enormous, though. I went to talk to a local guy with an amazing reputation for grey wash tattooing. I just wanted an opinion and some thoughts. I had a picture of the sand butterfly and her footprints. He was very blunt. He said he didn't recommend tattooing on the side of the foot as they tend to fade extremely fast due to the amount of skin regeneration in that area. He suggested just above my ankle bone. He showed me where he would place it and how he would incorporate the footprints and her name. He said he would use grey wash and white highlighting for detail since he couldn't mimic the sand detail in such a small portrait. He was very honest and said he would "do [his] best" on the flower details, as he typically did detailed flowers the size of actual flowers and not pinheads. I told him I was in no hurry to get this done. Looking through his scheduling book, he looked up at me and said, "The first day I have available is this Saturday." I had butterflies in my stomach. That Saturday just happened to be August 4th, 2012, Lexi's due date. I didn't even hesitate. I told him I would take it! It just felt right. And I'm so glad that I did. He did a wonderful job. Better than I could have anticipated. It took about 3.5 hours, if I remember correctly. The footprints are Lexi's and true size. The flowers are half the size of my pinky fingernail, and he did an amazing job with the detail! I was so impressed.

And there you have it. A day of remembrance for our baby girl. A reflection of pain and gratefulness in one amazing bundle.