It's Just Meant to Be

And let me tell you why...

I'm not a person to see 'signs' or believe that things 'happen for a reason.' It's not denial of a greater plan, I just strongly believe in coincidence and cause and effect as logical reasoning. I also believe in karma. And not that 'what goes around comes around' crap. Please. Essentially, that's the gist, but it's a much deeper theory. It's about the energy we exert being the energy we are receptive to receive. It's not the world's revenge on people for treating others poorly.

Sometimes, horrific things happen to us. Sometimes, amazing things happen to us. And sometimes, just sometimes, horrific things can become amazing if we are self-aware enough to open our eyes.

How I became filled with a peace that I've never known in my entire life immediately after losing my daughter is something I will probably never fully understand. I don't question it; I just embrace it. She graced me with her short presence like an angel.

Lexi has been with us every step of the way, in subtle ways. For example: upon figuring a due date for a pregnancy, the first day of the last menstrual period is used. That day for us just so happened to be Lexi's due date, August 4, 2012. Making our son's due date May 11, 2013, the day before Mother's Day.

The morning Lexi was born, and we said goodbye, I was 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I will be 21w3d with our son on January 1, 2013. The new year. A new beginning.

Chills

When it comes to names, I thought it would be a good idea if Josh had the final say. It is his son, and I feel as though a man naming his son is an honor. He was back forth with lots of names. I threw a few out here and there. He finally started to write down our top contenders. This one name kept sticking in his head, though.

Luke.

Josh had contemplated naming his son after himself. His name is strong and biblical. He likes that. I like that. But he keeps going back to Luke. We are both eerily drawn to that name.

We have 2 rules in this name game: 

#1: It has to be simple and short, because his last name will be long and complicated as Hell. 

#2: It has to be strong and meaningful for us.

On Christmas morning, I got on Facebook to post our announcement picture. The very first thing that I see in my news feed is a quote from the book of Luke about the story of the birth of Christ. Oh the goose bumps. Regardless of what Josh's heart settles on for a name, the coincidence touched my soul.

Let me be the first to say that some things just can't be explained. By definition, these are indeed coincidences. But they have a deeper meaning for me. Regardless, it just feels so meant to be.

Word's Out! It's a ...

Josh wrapped a large box and made a lid, then he clipped all of the helium balloons to the bottom of the box so they would float out of the box just far enough when opened! It was quite successful.

Oh, and it's a BOY ;)

20 weeks

I can feel the baby moving all of the time now!

Seen a good friend of mine post a screen shot of this app on her blog, thought it was genius! Here's all credit to you, Amanda ;)

Prescription for Restriction

19 weeks and 5 days today. Almost half way there!

I went alone today for an ultrasound. It's the 1st time I've been alone at an ultrasound. I've been feeling the baby move on a regular basis now. That's reassuring, but I was still nervous to get 'bad news' alone.

Not today, nope. No bad news.

Our precious little baby was so squiggly during the ultrasound. The tech laughed as she told the baby to "be still for just a few seconds please." I loved every minute of it.

No fluid in baby's body cavities! Another little joyous celebration.

I told doc about my legs swelling. I told her that I had a few episodes of shortness of breath at work, a high pulse (120's), and about the crackles in my lungs when I lie flat. She said looking at my history (severe OHSS during IVF with 2 paracentesis and Mirror Syndrome with my last pregnancy) that it appears I'm very sensitive to fluid retention with elevated hormone levels. Nothing 'bad' per se, just different than the way other people regulate fluid.

Just different.

She asked about my hours and the 'type' of work I do (since that's when I am swelling). She already knows I am a nurse. I told her about working 60 hrs last week and that my days were typically 10-12 hrs long on average. I am on my feet nearly all day. She said that was way too much. She told me that studies show long work hours to be directly linked to preterm labor. Yikes! She wrote a prescription saying that I needed to work 8 hr days.

8 hour days?! I haven't worked 8 hr days in years!!! Woo Hoo!

She instructed me to wear at least thigh-high support hose, lie flat for at least 20 minutes after working, and to write down my weights am and pm, BP at least once a week, anytime my pulse is >105 and when I get short of breath, to watch for trends. She is also going to do ultrasounds weekly now, at least until we get to 24 weeks.

I feel well taken care of. Now, I just have to take care of myself and not work so much on my feet.

Christmas is next week, which means so is our big gender announcement! Yahhhh!

One of 'those' days...

Trying desperately to avoid panic mode at the moment.

Not a good day for mommy.

Who can honestly raise their hand to the fact that they don't look in the mirror at themselves naked before getting in the shower? Especially when your body seems to be constantly changing. I'm very observant and constantly admiring my growing tummy in the mirror these days.

Not so much the other parts.

My rear seems to be falling, boobs are competing for Mt. Rushmore status, spider veins are mapping roadways on my legs, and every time that I smile, my face cracks and starts peeling. But the belly trumps it all, and I just smile while the skin on my face painful tears apart.

After working 12 hours yesterday, I was getting undressed to get in the shower and noticed my legs felt a little tight. Upon ritually looking in the mirror, they looked quite a bit larger, too.

Now, when I stand with my legs together, they really don't touch. Not severely like I'm straddling a horse, but there's a gap there. I don't know if everyone is like this or if I am just bow-legged. Any who, my thighs were smashing together like two cars in a head-on collision.

As a regular nudist (of the She-Naked Bathroom Community), I immediately realized this was out of the norm for me. I felt a little wave of panic float through my fat legs and into my tight abdomen. Hi-yo, Baby! Away! To the Doppler...

I placed the gel on my tummy, internally panicking that I wouldn't hear a heartbeat this time. I touched the probe to my belly and immediately heard my baby moving. Then, the heartbeat. So relieved. 140 beats per minute. Why in the world would a little leg swelling send someone into such a frantic mode? Let me just tell you...

I am 18 weeks 3 days pregnant today. At 17 weeks 6 days with Lexi, I had my anatomy scan, and everything was 'perfect.' Somewhere around 20 weeks with her, my legs began to swell. Slowly at first (like yesterday/today), then I just seemed to keep accumulating fluid, swelling more and more, gaining more and more weight.

One Sunday night, when I was 21 weeks 1 day with Lex, Josh wanted to listen to her heartbeat. He had never used the Doppler before, and he was struggling a little to find her heartbeat. He gave up after a few minutes, and I took over thinking I would find it immediately.

I didn't.

As much as you think you would panic not being able to find your baby's heart beat, I really didn't. My belly was swollen too, so I just figured I couldn't find it because of all of the fluid. That's all.

It wasn't.

The next morning I tried to find the HB with a stronger Doppler at work.

I didn't.

I called the doctor's office trying to explain the swelling and not being able to find the HB on my Doppler. I just knew they would blow me off, and tell me to wait until my next appointment.

They didn't.

They asked me how quickly I could leave work and come to the office. I felt near instant panic. I started shaking, and almost began to cry at work. I had to finish with my patients before I could leave. That would take an hour.

I managed to calm myself enough to finish with my patients, leave, go home and change, and let Josh know what was going on. He said he was on a job that he couldn't leave, so that he probably couldn't make the appointment. Sucked, but I was ok with that. I was just worried I may have been preeclamptic.

I wasn't.

While sitting in the waiting room, Josh came walking through the door to join me. He said he just didn't have a good feeling and that work comes second to family. Love that guy. I was worried and had 'what if' thoughts in and out of my mind, but I just knew it was all probably ok. I had hoped I didn't seem like a paranoid 1st time mom. I couldn't have possibly been an emergency or the worst case they had seen that day.

But I was.

The NP looked at my ginormous legs and asked how long it had been going on. "About a week and a half I suppose." She tried to find the HB with her Doppler. She 'tried' for all of about 30 seconds.

Nothing.

"Well, if you couldn't find it with 2 different Dopplers, then I probably won't. Let me get the doctor." In walks our OB. "Hey guys. We are going to swing over and get an ultrasound. It's probably nothing, but we just want to make sure everything is ok." She accompanied us to the dark room.

The tech put jelly on my stomach and began scanning, as we watched the screen in front of us. My doctor put her hand on my knee and said, "We are just going to take some measurements first." Her face was somber, straight. Something wasn't right; I could feel it.

And I was right.

I watched them measure her head (just as they did during the anatomy scan a mere 3 weeks ago). But she was measuring 19 weeks this time. That can't be right. I'm 21 weeks now, I silently thought. She zoomed out. I couldn't see the flickering of the heart. That flickering... The flickering I always looked for. Where was it?! The tech placed the arrow over the 'heart.' Blank sound waves. That couldn't be the heart. It wasn't moving. They stopped the ultrasound. What are you doing?! You didn't look nearly long enough! I didn't even see her move it was so fast, I thought.

I was wrong.

Our doctor walked around and sat between us. "This is the hardest part of my job," she said. My gut sank. "She's gone guys." I burst into tears. Josh cried. Doc cried. We all filled the room with tears and hugs. She said due to how far along I was that I would have to be induced and go through labor and delivery. She left every single option up to Josh and I.

Make a decision? Right now?!

She then shared with us that she too had delivered her daughter at 20 weeks. I took great comfort in that very personal information in that moment. I immediately began asking questions and turned to her for all of my advise. She understood how we felt in that moment. She truly did. Not because she was crying with us, but because she too had lost her daughter.

And that is why swollen legs invokes a fear within me.

So, I called the OB's office today. It's a practice with about 5 women OBs and 2 Women's Health Nurse Practitioners. She is out today. Of all days...

I told a nurse I had gained about 5 lbs in 12 hours and had leg swelling. She didn't seem concerned. I wasn't either, the first time it happened. It's a little different now, though. She asked if I had had a headache. Ah, why a matter of fact, I had one all day yesterday. I told her my main concern was the baby having any fluid on it. She said and I quote, "I see an MFM is following you and you just had an ultrasound on the 29th and everything looked fine. So, I highly doubt a 5 lbs weight gain is a sign of Hydrops. I'm more concerned with pregnancy hypertension. I mean you can come in if you want just to check your blood pressure and baby and make sure everything is ok if it makes you feel better."

I seriously wanted to come through the phone! Just had an ultrasound on the 29th?!?!?! Did she really say that to me?! That was almost 2 weeks ago!!! Clearly she didn't understand hydrops like she 'thought' she did! I had a "perfect" ultrasound before and lost my daughter less than 2 weeks later! I'm a little panicked. Just do your job. Comfort me a little here! Maybe that's why I'm a good nurse, because I have to deal with ones like this! Sheesh.

Our OB and Perinatologist (MFM) told me to call any time I had any concerns or if it had just been too long, and I wanted to see the baby. They said I could come in and have an ultrasound any time. Clearly, our OB's staff isn't on the same page.

I called the Peri's office to get an ultrasound after I see the NP at OB's office. I just have a feeling the NP isn't going to be willing to do an ultrasound. The Perinatologist is at a satellite location today, but her staff knows I come weekly-biweekly for ultrasounds, so they got me in this afternoon just for an ultrasound.

And so the adventures begin...



***Update***

BP: fine
Urine: fine
Blood work: fine
Ultrasound: just beautiful :) No fluid anywhere on little baby

And so I breathe a sigh of relief... for now.

Cut n' Go

Yup, I cut my scrubs! I couldn't breathe!

I don't have any maternity scrubs (yet), and so I wore a pair today that SUCK when I'm normal size. Now that I feel like I have swallowed a helium balloon, they REALLY SUCK.

I kept adjusting and readjusting and pulling and tugging. The elastic waistband was leaving marks deep in my skin. It felt like instant relief as the scissors tore through the fabric. I didn't even realize I couldn't breathe until I could suddenly breathe better! Ahhhh it felt so much better. The way scrubs SHOULD feel.

And I cut both sides.

Apparently my 'bump' just went to full on belly! I only have stickers to do pics monthly... maybe an in-betweener is needed ;)

I possibly felt flutters the other night, too!!!! Not sure as I've never experienced that, but I was laying very still and felt very slight bubble-like sensations really low and kind of deep. Could have been my imagination. I'm dying to feel baby move! I have an anterior placenta, so I've heard it takes longer :(

 

Shut up people!!!

I need to vent. Severely.

What the hell is wrong with people?! And their rude comments?! And ridiculous advise?! Who do they think they are?!

I've yet to run across someone who knows Josh and I or our family that doesn't know about our daughter. As word is finally getting out past our family and close friends that we are pregnant again, people are feeling the need to comment. Have you lost a baby before? No? Then shut up!

The further along I get, and the more I start to show in clothes, the more ignorant comments I get. Stop comparing this pregnancy to my previous one. They are not the same baby. And it is NOT ok for you to compare how much "worse" I was before. I've had people tell me I just looked "bad last time" or weak or pale or sickly. Hell, I was puking my guts up everyday because I was PREGNANT! Duh! It wasn't a sign of impending doom. 

*trying really hard not to blow up and start cussing right now*

If anything, my OB was confident in my nausea. And people keep telling me I need to "rest." "You need to rest up. Don't want last time happening again." Can you believe someone would say that?! Yeah, me either, but they did! Right to my face! Do you realize you are indirectly blaming me for my daughter's death?! Because you are!!!! Like I didn't "rest" enough, thus she died. What sense does that make?! Idiots. I'm so sick of google-educated advise from these people!

I appreciate 'congratulations' all day long. But keep your freaking mouth shut about my daughter. I don't need to hear how much I should rest, or how much "better" I look this time, or anything along those lines. Those stupid comments hurt my feelings. I don't care how "well-meant" they are! If you haven't experienced loosing a baby, then chances are your "advise" is probably more hurtful than helpful.

Ugh. If only I could scream it from the rooftop.

16 weeks

Here ya go! Oh and the HB is 140  ;)

And the ever faithful puppies :)

 

Miles isn't wall-eyed by the way lol. He has blue spots in his brown eyes making him look cross or wall-eyed in pictures sometimes.

 

Boy or Girl???

We had an ultrasound today. AND..... we got to find out the sex! Hahahahaha. I laugh because we aren't telling! Yet...

I did set up a little poll to get any guesses on the right column. It's only viewable in the website version of this page, though.

So, basically we have to stop saying 'he,' because we are consciously aware of the sex now. 'He' would either be wrong or a give away. I guess the nickname Alfalfa has to go, too :( Again, either it's completely inappropriate or a dead give away. Sigh. This is going to be harder than I thought.

The ultrasound tech and Perinatologist were so impressed as to how much detail they could see already at 2 days shy of 15 weeks. They were able to do a 'partial' anatomy scan. That's impressive to me so early, but they were really in awe. We saw the four chambers and valves in the heart and all of the bones in the arms and legs. Everything looked good :) That makes mommy and daddy very happy! The rest is gibberish.

The ultrasound tech switched over to 3D! And we got the coolest pictures! I can only share one, though. The other has the legs apart, and if you were looking for sex you would know, because something would either be there or it wouldn't...

Cute lil booger, huh? ;) I've had multiple people think the baby's bent knee was a penis. Um no. That is either going to be a flattering accusation for a son one day, or quite an offensive one for a daughter. So, to set it straight, IT'S A BENT KNEE PEOPLE. Thanks. 

Announcement Photos

A not-so-special digital camera, patient & cooperative husband, and free online editing and TADA!!!!!

Everyone loved them :)

Results are In

Yesterday we got the much anticipated call! The Harmony test results. You would be better informed to google 'harmony test,' but the low down is a 99.9% accuracy in detecting the risk of a trisomy (i.e. Down's Syndrome). The risk for this pregnancy was.... 1:10,000 (or 0.01%)!!!!!! Josh and I feel bricks still being lifted from our spirits. :) Thank you, thank you, thank you for the prayers!

12 weeks

Is it sad that I had to listen to the heartbeat before taking this picture? 160 bpm. Those boobs, though 😳

Our rescue Golden Retriever/Cocker Spaniel mix, Miles, wanted to participate...

And so it went...

...better than either of us could have anticipated!

Our Perinatologist sat in the room while the ultrasound tech measured the nuchal folds on the back of the neck (another marker for chromosomal abnormalities) and looked at all of the structures we could see on baby. The Peri said that it all looked great! Plus, the little dude was measuring 4 days ahead! And no 'echogenic focus' on the heart!!!!! Woo Hoo! Josh and I were smiling ear to ear. 

Could we really be hearing good news? I mean for the very 1st time in this pregnancy, good news?! I just hope this isn't too good to be true, I thought to myself quietly in this huge ultrasound room filled with five people and an inuetero baby. Baby was the 'star,' though! He was being displayed proudly on the large TV on the wall in front of us. 

We watched him wiggle and squirm. He even did a little nodding for us, kind of like he was rocking in a chair. The ultrasound technician pointed this out. Everyone in the room watched and laughed. I smiled with amazement, because his sister did the same thing when she was 1 week older than him. She bounced on her little butt, and he was rocking. In that moment, I knew they were connected. 

"Maybe I rock too much" I said aloud, followed by some laughter. But anyone that knows me, would have been having a serious debate about that question, because they all know how much I rock. I can hardly sit still. It is a comforting thing for me to rock in a recliner. I found this comfort as a very young child, and it has yet to leave me. Apparently, my children are finding comfort in it, as well. And I'm perfectly ok with that. Though, I told Josh that we will have to have a house full of rockers to satisfy everyone. He agreed.

My Peri seemed more than satisfied with the findings on the ultrasound. She said we could come in as often as we felt necessary to have ultrasounds. She offered the choice to us on when to come back, and how often. 

We chose 2 weeks. 

Yup, our mortal enemy from beyond. The dreaded 2 weeks that we hated so much, that had caused us so much anxiety. We had the choice this time and decided to strong arm the 2 week curse and take it by the horns.

My OB had mentioned that we have no risk factors for aneuploidies (Down's Syndrome, Edward's Syndrome, etc.), and that having normal measurements on the nuchal translucency screening and a nasal bone present had dropped our chances of this baby having a chromosomal issue by 70%. What a relief. 

The blood tests were not back yet, though. That is going to be the real McCoy, feel me? Waiting, waiting, waiting... story of our lives. 

In the meantime, I am finally feeling a little excited and confident. My belly is now a bump, I'm taking less Zofran, and I'm getting excited about finally sharing the news!

Josh and I have been feverishly contemplating on how to tell. We made such a big deal out of announcing our pregnancy with Lexi, that even if she were with us now, we couldn't do that again with another pregnancy. It was our 1st pregnancy, our 1st baby, and we don't regret it all. We simply shared our excitement in the most exciting way we could imagine! 

We shared the news of our pregnancy with Lexi on Thanksgiving with our parents and siblings, then on Christmas with extended family. We told friends here and there, then shared the announcement video on Facebook last. 

This time we have been thinking of taking pictures and emailing them or announcing in person. We want to tell in person, but we can't really think of a way that we appreciate. As for pictures, we considered a picture of our feet (and maybe the dogs feet, if we could get them to cooperate) then a pair of gender-neutral baby shoes. The bottom would say "Our family is growing by 2 feet on May 11, 2013 (or in Spring 2013 or in May 2013)." Love that one! Maybe I could make a big picture of that with two smaller pictures, like an ultrasound pic, Josh rubbing my belly, holding a sign with the due date, a bun in the oven, etc. I think I just made up my own mind!

When we go back in 2 weeks, there is a possibility we could find out the gender. I think I caught a glimpse of some jewels at the last ultrasound. Josh says that's just me getting in my own head, because I am so sure that it's a little boy. 

We have decided to hold the gender a secret. We will either announce that in a special way on Christmas morning, OR we will keep it a secret until birth. If I know our family, they will hold us in contempt for not telling them ASAP, though.

Plus, we want a gender specific nursery. So, no one would be allowed to see the nursery until after the birth if we kept it secret. It's a tough decision. The other drawback to this decision is a gender-neutral baby shower. I actually want pink or blue stuff and a specifically themed color for a boy or girl shower. I was robbed of a baby shower with Lexi. 

Josh and I were never able to be showered with gifts for her arrival. I strongly contemplated not ever having one after she passed away. What if we had a baby shower with all of these wonderful items to shower and take care of our baby just to lose the baby afterwards?! This is how a momma that has lost a baby thinks, always. But I soon began to see that even though we had not had a baby shower, our friends and family were constantly showering us with gifts for her. From bedding, clothes, and shoes to a bassinet, stroller, and breast pump. I still have friends and family just holding gifts they have for us, waiting for the day Lexi's brother or sister will grace our presence. 

I love those people. Josh and I are so blessed with friends and family. We don't talk to them everyday, or go out every weekend, but no matter how long we go between speaking, we just pick up where we left off with them. We are truly blessed. So, we definitely want to create a special day to share with our friends and family that have showered us from the beginning. 

I will be 34 weeks on my birthday (which is on a Sunday), and I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday than with my friends and family showering and preparing Josh and I for this new little life that we just know will be coming home with us!

Start Here

As passionate as I am about... let me back up. As passionate as I was about writing once upon a time ago, one would think 'blog' would have been in my vocabulary long before now, ripe into my 20 somethings. Blah blah blah. No excuses; I'm here now.

My life has been one hell of a book. Quite possibly a best seller with the right publisher, marketing, and celebrity endorsements. If only I had started blogging many moons ago in my peak preteens. I imagine I would be marveling at the lake through dry timber from the balcony just outside the French doors of my living room while sipping hot tea under a thick blanket in a wooden rocker. Ah yes, my fantasy of wealth from a book simply about my life and how it changed who I am today. I find myself head high, speaking intellectually, in a slight English accent, as I read that back to myself. Though I am as country as you can make cornbread, my sense of humor expands beyond the acorn-filled woods that I find as homely as my own bed. And with that sense of humor comes realism. Who couldn't have a best seller about their life, if written just so? I mean, really. With that being said, I won't look back (too much). Though, I will reflect quite heavily on Lexi. After all, I did dedicate my blog to my life after having her in it.  

I will tell you all about Lexi... one day. However, that day is not today. 

Today, I have an ultrasound for the baby currently occupying Lexi's old home. The baby that must share this home with a deceased sibling that he will soon squash to something unrecognizable. I say 'he' when referencing this baby, because Josh and I both assume we have a rambunctious little boy on our hands. He is never still during ultrasounds or when I am trying to listen to his heartbeat at night on our Doppler. Oh yes, I assume I should address his deceased sibling that I brought up. I was pregnant with twins. 

Josh never flinched at the 6 week-ultrasound when she said, "We've got twins!!!" He grinned from ear to ear. I knew everything was going to be alright in that moment. Though, that feeling only lasted mere seconds as I noticed twin B was quite small compared to twin A. This very obvious fact was brought to our attention with the next very obvious fact that twin B may not survive as it was measuring 3 days behind and only had a faint heartbeat. My heart was crushed. Crushed like a fat kid falling face first onto his birthday cake.

Twin A measured right on track with a good heart rate at 117. The gestational sac seemed a little funny-shaped to me, though. The doctor never mentioned this, so what did I do? Why I googled it, of course! And those words are typically followed by, "What a mistake that was," when referring to us psycho preggers ladies. I do read legit things, though. Double blind studies, medical journals, etc. Everything I found said the gestational sac should be round or oblong with smooth edges.

Twin A on top with abnormal-shaped sac. Twin B in smaller sac on bottom.

I went on to read that abnormally shaped gestational sacs typically indicate a chromosomal abnormality and usually miscarry. So, I'm possibly going to lose both of these little miracles?! You've got to be kidding?! If it wasn't (cue exaggerative air quotations) "meant to be" then why in the hell were they given to me to begin with?! I mourned the loss of both of my babies over the next 2 weeks. Yeah, I had to wait 2 weeks for another ultrasound to assess the viability of my pregnancy. 

Two very long, agonizing weeks. 

I wanted to jump for joy at the 5 positive pregnancy tests that I took (and still have..) over a course of 4 days, but instead I was hanging my head low wearing an ugly, somber face.

Fast forward 2 weeks later... 

I was 8 weeks 2 days pregnant and just knew twin B's fate as I pondered twin A's. The first thing we saw was twin A in a big, round gestational sac with a HB of 179! Oh, I felt so relieved, so incredibly relieved. The tech then guided the wand toward twin B. There it was! Bigger, but still small. The gestational sac was less than half of the size of twin A's. Then she said it: "Twin B doesn't have a heartbeat." Josh and I knew the little guy wouldn't make it. We knew it, but I still felt the pain in the room between him and I like a dark ghost floating amongst us. 

But just then... "Wait, wait. Yup, there it is. Twin B has a heartbeat! But the baby is still measuring pretty small. Let me get some measurements" exclaimed the ultrasonographer. Really?! We both perked up instantly. Apparently Twin B was still being a trooper. The little guy had grown on track. He was measuring 4 days behind now, but had a HB of 153! Twin B took up the entire gestational sac, though. This was not a good sign, but doc didn't seem too concerned. Another 2 weeks before we could check on babies again. Sigh.

twin A

twin B

During that 2 weeks, I felt much more positive. I rooted for the underdog (as I typically do), and named Twin A 'Alfalfa' and Twin B 'Brussell Sprout.' Josh and I fathomed what twins would be like, how big I would get, what kind of nutrition I needed, you name it. We actually enjoyed (with our fair shares of worry, of course) the thought of having both babies. This 2 week wait went by much faster than before.

At 10 weeks 2 days pregnant, I find myself in a familiar office: my Perinatologist's (an MD specializing in Maternal Fetal Medicine for high risk pregnancies). They have all of the high tech machines and cool gadgets in their office. 

During the ultrasound, Alfalfa was kicking and flipping, putting his cute little hands over his face, you name it. The ultrasound tech laughed. She pointed out his cute little feet and toes and printed a picture of them for us.

She looked at all of his bones and especially his heart. It was beating at 160 bpm. He (assuming again, as it's still way too early to see any goods) looked perfect. Then we moved on to Brussell Sprout. I noticed immediately that she had a hard time even seeing B. B wasn't moving. And then it was confirmed: Brussell Sprout didn't have a heartbeat. The measurements showed B stopped growing at 8 weeks. Since lil Sprout had measured behind since 6 weeks, we assumed B may have passed away closer to 9 weeks-just days after our last ultrasound. 

Rest in peace, Brussell Sprout. Mommy and daddy know big sister is taking good care of you!

How did I feel? Sad, but overjoyed. I couldn't mourn for B yet. I had spent 2 weeks mourning for B between 6 and 8 weeks. Then came the 'new news.' The news that completely caught me off guard, and threw quite the pebble into my bicycle spokes that ultimately spun me out of control. 

After the ultrasound (in an upstairs office suite in the hospital), I went downstairs to see my OB. She seemed quite empathetic that we had lost Twin B. I was grateful for her empathy, but wanted to focus on Alfalfa at the moment. Then she said, "They found something called an echogenic intracardiac focus on the heart. It may be nothing, though." Apparently, its a common finding at 20 weeks on anatomy scans, but as more advanced ultrasounds are done earlier and earlier, the more these things are observed. She said it was considered a 'soft marker' for chromosomal disorders such as Down's Syndrome. 

The expression on my face must have looked like I had just been diagnosed with some rare, fatal disease. I was floored. I didn't even look at Josh. I just stared at doc in disbelief. A what on the heart?! What is this gibberish you speak of, my good doctor?! 

She described a simple blood test that was the latest and greatest with a 99% detection rate of chromosomal abnormalities. She left the choice to test for it up to me, though. Duh. Stick me.Take all of the blood you want. It would take two weeks to get results. Two weeks. Two weeks was becoming enemy terminology. If one more person said "2 weeks" about anything, I was going to go batshit crazy on someone!

Guess what I did when I got home? 

Google. 

I read for hours and hours about this spot that they had found on my baby's heart. I read medical journals and forums from former moms that were given the same news as Josh and I. Just as doc said: could be nothing this early, could be a soft marker. 

My OB promised that she would call that night after she spoke with my Perinatologist (they're pretty tight, which I love). I kept asking Josh questions. I was so delirious, I can't even remember what I kept asking him. Poor guy. I couldn't stop thinking that our baby had Down's Syndrome. 

At 8pm that night, I had given up that doc would call. As I laid in bed, the emotions finally caught up to me. I started to cry. Hard. I hate to cry. I feel weak and vulnerable when I cry. So, I got up and went across the house to where Lexi would be sleeping. 

We had turned the nursery that we had ready for her arrival into an office. I sat in the corner under a cherry tree vinyl on the wall where her crib used to be, and cried. I cried hard and loud. My sadness and fears poured down my face in a liquid form. I wept for this baby that would never know a normal life, and I knew I would feel guilty for eternity.

Suddenly, I heard my phone ringing. This late? Could it be..? Why yes, yes I think it is! My doctor calling!!!!! I heard the phone getting closer. Josh was bringing it to me. He answered and put her on speaker phone. She said the Perinatologist wasn't concerned this early. She said a whole bunch of other stuff, and I even asked some questions, but I don't remember any of the conversation any more. Which was fine by me. I was finally ok enough to get some rest. 

Over the next week and a half, I fell in love with Alfalfa a little more. I listened every night to his heartbeat on our Doppler. Josh had reminisced with me that the only time he had used the Doppler was the day we couldn't find Lexi's heartbeat. That happened to be one of the worst days of our lives. He said he wasn't sure if he would ever touch the Doppler again. But that night, I handed him the Doppler. And he didn't even resist my efforts. He smiled and anxiously put the probe over the gel on my lower belly. He moved it around for what seemed like an entire football quarter. I smiled. I didn't instruct him on what to do or where to look. I wanted him to find it completely solo and feel confident that he never jinxed our baby girl. 

Finally, he found his stubborn, little babe. And the heart was beating so fast; 160+ beats per minute! Perfection. 

Somewhere between that phone call from doc and now, I decided that if our baby has Down's Syndrome, that I am going to love him (or her) just as I did Lexi. Now, this wasn't a conscious decision. It was made for me. I would love this baby no matter what, and that was set in my destiny before I ever knew this life. But I figured I would go a step further in my imagination of this child being disabled and commit to involve him or her in every supportive activity possible, support other moms going through this, and never enable my child to do things. I would not make life 'easy' for my child just because of a disability. I will love this baby, nourish it, hold it, comfort it, but I will NOT enable it. I want my child to become the adult that doesn't see his/her disabilities as disabilities, but as gifts to see the world in a different light. For that is life, and that is how we learn to thrive and survive. I will be a bedtime story reader, cuddler like no other, play time hero, bath time bubble maker, soft-hearted, loving, mother. I promise that. It's in my heart already; I just need my baby in my arms to prove it.