Today was such an awesome day. The old gang was all together again. There were originally four of us. One transferred, the other took another job, and many people have since come and gone. But today, today we all four managed to be together. It was pretty awesome. We played the radio and laughed all day. It was how work should be.
Luke was home with Josh, so other than a bit of a strenuous pumping schedule, I was pretty at ease. However, I had a moment. During a quiet minute while I was charting on a patient, a song came across the radio that gave me butterflies. Not the warm, fuzzy kind. The sick stomach kind.
When I was pregnant with Lexi, I made a video of Josh and I surprise-announcing our pregnancy to our family. It starts out with a song by Journey. That same song came across the radio today, and I felt my gut sink. I have an association to that song now: feelings of overwhelming joy and bliss, and soon after, heartbreak and tragedy. The song makes me feel sick to my stomach now. Sick with emotions of pain.
I feel that I adapted to the situation well (of losing my daughter), especially at the time. But I can't help the connotations and emotions I connect with that song. It will never be the same for me. I look at Luke often and wonder what Lexi would look like. Would she look like her brother? Would she be walking yet? I wish she were here so bad. I miss her so much. However, never 'knowing' her, I think it is the idea of her that I miss so much. I miss the connection and bond that I made with her in our short time together. I wish she were here to help me care for Luke. I am grateful, so grateful, to have experienced my first pregnancy with her. It was truly blissful. She made me feel whole. The way Luke makes me feel whole now. I think of her hearing her voice sometimes, hearing 'mommy' in that sweet, baby voice. But it will never be, and I accept that. Not always with open arms, but with realism. Just kind of sad right now.
I feel that I adapted to the situation well (of losing my daughter), especially at the time. But I can't help the connotations and emotions I connect with that song. It will never be the same for me. I look at Luke often and wonder what Lexi would look like. Would she look like her brother? Would she be walking yet? I wish she were here so bad. I miss her so much. However, never 'knowing' her, I think it is the idea of her that I miss so much. I miss the connection and bond that I made with her in our short time together. I wish she were here to help me care for Luke. I am grateful, so grateful, to have experienced my first pregnancy with her. It was truly blissful. She made me feel whole. The way Luke makes me feel whole now. I think of her hearing her voice sometimes, hearing 'mommy' in that sweet, baby voice. But it will never be, and I accept that. Not always with open arms, but with realism. Just kind of sad right now.
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