I feel as though I'm a sea of complaints lately, teeter tottering the storm waves of my emotions. Their tides are high, and I can't help but feel as though I'm coming across as 'ungrateful' a large majority of the time lately. I don't think most people contemplate graciousness before a complaint leaves their pouty lips. It is consistently etched in my mind, though.
There are things that I am struggling with that are beyond my control. To lose control is chaos; a disorderly mess; jumbled confusion. According to neuroscientists, the type of stress that can cause harm to our bodies is when we feel out of control. I am completely out of control of the hiatal hernia I am suffering from. I've lost weight due to an inability to eat. I am in pain when I eat or drink enough to actually satisfy my hunger. I have vomited 4-6 hours after my last meal due to an inability to digest the food I have consumed. I cannot lie down 4-5 hours after eating or drinking an actual meal; it's typically 2-3 hours after a snack or large drink. The pressure my uterus is placing on my stomach forces it through my diaphragm, making my stomach and esophagus essentially like a jug. I lie down, and all the contents slowly spill out. I can feel it coming all of the way from my stomach to my esophagus and, eventually, to the back of my throat where I either must choose to swallow or vomit. Nice, huh? That can happen as often as every 10 seconds for 4-6 hours after a meal. It can make life seem so miserable. I have actually inhaled the stomach contents that have come up from my esophagus in my sleep and woke up coughing and choking. It's such a scary feeling to wake up and feel like you're drowning. The less I eat, the less pain, the less vomiting, the less stress... But I cannot gain weight if I do not eat. I lost 2 lbs at my 30 week check up, and my baby was measuring 'on track,' but in the 40-something percentile instead of the 74th that he was in just one week prior. This absolutely broke my heart. My doctor said babies go through growth spells and not to worry. She says babies will take exactly what they need from mom. My reply: But I need to be supplying something for him to take. So, she suggested Boost shakes. One step ahead there. I had already started drinking those when I weighed myself at home and realized I wasn't gaining. However, I cannot drink them on an empty stomach due to the amount of vitamins they have in them. They can make me pretty nauseous. But I can't consume a meal and drink the shakes together. It's been a dilemma. I'm trying the SlimFast shakes. They are designed for meal replacement, and they don't seem to be making me nauseous. I don't replace meals with them, though. I drink them as inbetween snacks, midnight snacks, etc. I try to have at least 2 a day. We'll see if it helps any. The last thing I want is an even smaller preemie. I want him as big as possible since weight is an important factor for survival in a preemie.
Another thing I am struggling with is bedrest. For different reasons than one would think, though. I knew nesting was an instinct, but I did not know how STRONG of an instinct it was! Apparently, it is strongest just prior to the onset of labor to instigate the mother to prepare the area for birth. Ever seen an animal right before birth? It's insane how they start acting. I've been in labor for 6 weeks! Before I knew I was in preterm labor, the nesting began. I was insanely trying to clean every square inch of my home, literally. It was a true obsession that everything must be extremely clean and tidy. Something I cannot begin to explain to you, unless you are already OCD like that. Then, just multiply that OCD a few times. My body was going into labor, and my instincts were kicking in to prepare. Now, I have forced my body to slow down the labor process, but I cannot stop it. Thus, that instinct is still there. It sits on my shoulders day in and day out. Every little speck of dust just drives me insane. I want things neat and orderly. I want to get on my hands and knees and scrub the floors; I want to clean baseboards; I want to caulk the cracks in my crown moulding; I want to do it all! And yet I just sit, staring at everything I am so deeply intuned to be doing, having to control myself not to so that I do not go into active labor and have my son too early. Activity and prolonged standing bring on contractions for me, and those nasty contractions mess with my cervix. It is so hard to fight instinct. It feels unnatural and unrelenting. That is my struggle with bedrest. I am fighting a natural urge to prepare for my son's arrival so that he doesn't arrive. What an absolute hipocrisy. I am a very instinctual person, VERY intuned to my natural instincts. I am also a very logical person. These two personality traits are currently at war with one another in this situation, and I am smack dab in the middle.
I feel as though my back is weighed heavily with judgement for each little complaint I make. And believe me, these aren't complaints I make very often or even aloud sometimes. But I need to get them out every now and again. They build up inside me and create emotions that I am not currently equipped to deal with. Nothing is perfect, and I can't say that I am just happy and grateful every single moment of this journey. Now, I can definitely say that about our son, though! Every little move I feel, even if it's a painful one, and every little glimpse we get of him on an ultrasound is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt, and I breathe every ounce of it in with graciousness. The rest of my body, and how it's behaving, just pisses me off. And I just need to get that part off of my chest every now and again. Sometimes, when I make a complaint outloud regarding the hardships in this pregnancy, I feel some pretty heavy judgement. Nothing that is ever said, but you just feel it, ya know? I can't feel that here, though. This is where I can release my anguish. No one is forced to be here or hear what I have to say. This is for my own execution.
No comments:
Post a Comment