One of 'those' days...

Trying desperately to avoid panic mode at the moment.

Not a good day for mommy.

Who can honestly raise their hand to the fact that they don't look in the mirror at themselves naked before getting in the shower? Especially when your body seems to be constantly changing. I'm very observant and constantly admiring my growing tummy in the mirror these days.

Not so much the other parts.

My rear seems to be falling, boobs are competing for Mt. Rushmore status, spider veins are mapping roadways on my legs, and every time that I smile, my face cracks and starts peeling. But the belly trumps it all, and I just smile while the skin on my face painful tears apart.

After working 12 hours yesterday, I was getting undressed to get in the shower and noticed my legs felt a little tight. Upon ritually looking in the mirror, they looked quite a bit larger, too.

Now, when I stand with my legs together, they really don't touch. Not severely like I'm straddling a horse, but there's a gap there. I don't know if everyone is like this or if I am just bow-legged. Any who, my thighs were smashing together like two cars in a head-on collision.

As a regular nudist (of the She-Naked Bathroom Community), I immediately realized this was out of the norm for me. I felt a little wave of panic float through my fat legs and into my tight abdomen. Hi-yo, Baby! Away! To the Doppler...

I placed the gel on my tummy, internally panicking that I wouldn't hear a heartbeat this time. I touched the probe to my belly and immediately heard my baby moving. Then, the heartbeat. So relieved. 140 beats per minute. Why in the world would a little leg swelling send someone into such a frantic mode? Let me just tell you...

I am 18 weeks 3 days pregnant today. At 17 weeks 6 days with Lexi, I had my anatomy scan, and everything was 'perfect.' Somewhere around 20 weeks with her, my legs began to swell. Slowly at first (like yesterday/today), then I just seemed to keep accumulating fluid, swelling more and more, gaining more and more weight.

One Sunday night, when I was 21 weeks 1 day with Lex, Josh wanted to listen to her heartbeat. He had never used the Doppler before, and he was struggling a little to find her heartbeat. He gave up after a few minutes, and I took over thinking I would find it immediately.

I didn't.

As much as you think you would panic not being able to find your baby's heart beat, I really didn't. My belly was swollen too, so I just figured I couldn't find it because of all of the fluid. That's all.

It wasn't.

The next morning I tried to find the HB with a stronger Doppler at work.

I didn't.

I called the doctor's office trying to explain the swelling and not being able to find the HB on my Doppler. I just knew they would blow me off, and tell me to wait until my next appointment.

They didn't.

They asked me how quickly I could leave work and come to the office. I felt near instant panic. I started shaking, and almost began to cry at work. I had to finish with my patients before I could leave. That would take an hour.

I managed to calm myself enough to finish with my patients, leave, go home and change, and let Josh know what was going on. He said he was on a job that he couldn't leave, so that he probably couldn't make the appointment. Sucked, but I was ok with that. I was just worried I may have been preeclamptic.

I wasn't.

While sitting in the waiting room, Josh came walking through the door to join me. He said he just didn't have a good feeling and that work comes second to family. Love that guy. I was worried and had 'what if' thoughts in and out of my mind, but I just knew it was all probably ok. I had hoped I didn't seem like a paranoid 1st time mom. I couldn't have possibly been an emergency or the worst case they had seen that day.

But I was.

The NP looked at my ginormous legs and asked how long it had been going on. "About a week and a half I suppose." She tried to find the HB with her Doppler. She 'tried' for all of about 30 seconds.

Nothing.

"Well, if you couldn't find it with 2 different Dopplers, then I probably won't. Let me get the doctor." In walks our OB. "Hey guys. We are going to swing over and get an ultrasound. It's probably nothing, but we just want to make sure everything is ok." She accompanied us to the dark room.

The tech put jelly on my stomach and began scanning, as we watched the screen in front of us. My doctor put her hand on my knee and said, "We are just going to take some measurements first." Her face was somber, straight. Something wasn't right; I could feel it.

And I was right.

I watched them measure her head (just as they did during the anatomy scan a mere 3 weeks ago). But she was measuring 19 weeks this time. That can't be right. I'm 21 weeks now, I silently thought. She zoomed out. I couldn't see the flickering of the heart. That flickering... The flickering I always looked for. Where was it?! The tech placed the arrow over the 'heart.' Blank sound waves. That couldn't be the heart. It wasn't moving. They stopped the ultrasound. What are you doing?! You didn't look nearly long enough! I didn't even see her move it was so fast, I thought.

I was wrong.

Our doctor walked around and sat between us. "This is the hardest part of my job," she said. My gut sank. "She's gone guys." I burst into tears. Josh cried. Doc cried. We all filled the room with tears and hugs. She said due to how far along I was that I would have to be induced and go through labor and delivery. She left every single option up to Josh and I.

Make a decision? Right now?!

She then shared with us that she too had delivered her daughter at 20 weeks. I took great comfort in that very personal information in that moment. I immediately began asking questions and turned to her for all of my advise. She understood how we felt in that moment. She truly did. Not because she was crying with us, but because she too had lost her daughter.

And that is why swollen legs invokes a fear within me.

So, I called the OB's office today. It's a practice with about 5 women OBs and 2 Women's Health Nurse Practitioners. She is out today. Of all days...

I told a nurse I had gained about 5 lbs in 12 hours and had leg swelling. She didn't seem concerned. I wasn't either, the first time it happened. It's a little different now, though. She asked if I had had a headache. Ah, why a matter of fact, I had one all day yesterday. I told her my main concern was the baby having any fluid on it. She said and I quote, "I see an MFM is following you and you just had an ultrasound on the 29th and everything looked fine. So, I highly doubt a 5 lbs weight gain is a sign of Hydrops. I'm more concerned with pregnancy hypertension. I mean you can come in if you want just to check your blood pressure and baby and make sure everything is ok if it makes you feel better."

I seriously wanted to come through the phone! Just had an ultrasound on the 29th?!?!?! Did she really say that to me?! That was almost 2 weeks ago!!! Clearly she didn't understand hydrops like she 'thought' she did! I had a "perfect" ultrasound before and lost my daughter less than 2 weeks later! I'm a little panicked. Just do your job. Comfort me a little here! Maybe that's why I'm a good nurse, because I have to deal with ones like this! Sheesh.

Our OB and Perinatologist (MFM) told me to call any time I had any concerns or if it had just been too long, and I wanted to see the baby. They said I could come in and have an ultrasound any time. Clearly, our OB's staff isn't on the same page.

I called the Peri's office to get an ultrasound after I see the NP at OB's office. I just have a feeling the NP isn't going to be willing to do an ultrasound. The Perinatologist is at a satellite location today, but her staff knows I come weekly-biweekly for ultrasounds, so they got me in this afternoon just for an ultrasound.

And so the adventures begin...



***Update***

BP: fine
Urine: fine
Blood work: fine
Ultrasound: just beautiful :) No fluid anywhere on little baby

And so I breathe a sigh of relief... for now.