Kind of Sad

Today (well yesterday as it's 1 am as I type this) was my first day back at work. I worked Monday & Tuesday just on the computer, and spent time getting reacquainted with my patients and learning what's been going on while I've been out.

Today was such an awesome day. The old gang was all together again. There were originally four of us. One transferred, the other took another job, and many people have since come and gone. But today, today we all four managed to be together. It was pretty awesome. We played the radio and laughed all day. It was how work should be.

Luke was home with Josh, so other than a bit of a strenuous pumping schedule, I was pretty at ease. However, I had a moment. During a quiet minute while I was charting on a patient, a song came across the radio that gave me butterflies. Not the warm, fuzzy kind. The sick stomach kind.

When I was pregnant with Lexi, I made a video of Josh and I surprise-announcing our pregnancy to our family. It starts out with a song by Journey. That same song came across the radio today, and I felt my gut sink. I have an association to that song now: feelings of overwhelming joy and bliss, and soon after, heartbreak and tragedy. The song makes me feel sick to my stomach now. Sick with emotions of pain.

I feel that I adapted to the situation well (of losing my daughter), especially at the time. But I can't help the connotations and emotions I connect with that song. It will never be the same for me. I look at Luke often and wonder what Lexi would look like. Would she look like her brother? Would she be walking yet? I wish she were here so bad. I miss her so much. However, never 'knowing' her, I think it is the idea of her that I miss so much. I miss the connection and bond that I made with her in our short time together. I wish she were here to help me care for Luke. I am grateful, so grateful, to have experienced my first pregnancy with her. It was truly blissful. She made me feel whole. The way Luke makes me feel whole now. I think of her hearing her voice sometimes, hearing 'mommy' in that sweet, baby voice. But it will never be, and I accept that. Not always with open arms, but with realism. Just kind of sad right now. 

And the Mother of the Year Award goes to...

NOT ME! Lets just make that clear. Not that I want to elude this prestigious honorary, but I keep managing to sabotage myself.

Luke barely slept last night. I could tell it was reflux. I've had GERD for 12 years. I know the pain all too well. When my baby gurgles and gags and swallows and screams out in pain, I know exactly what he is going through. 

I would climb out of bed all night just to hold him upright, hoping it would help. And it did, temporarily. It's so heartbreaking to know my baby is in that kind of pain. We discussed it with the Ped at his 2 month check up. He suggested rice cereal, with the disclaimer that they "usually didn't recommend that this early unless the infant was at least 14 lbs and had reflux." I did my own research on why that is, and I'm not comfortable using the rice cereal at 10 weeks old. 

He offered writing him a script for Zantac, which is what I am taking while breast feeding (as I can't find good studies for the prescription stuff, like my Nexium that I've been taking for over a decade). The Zantac passes through to breast milk, but not enough to be equivalent to an effective dosage. Obviously. I declined, in office, on the script. I figured I would change my diet first and try more elevation after he eats. It's been torture night after night knowing my child is in pain. 

During the day, Luke slept more than usual. He's been lethargic and refusing a bottle. He breast feeds fine, but won't take a bottle. I go back to work in 3 days. We're going to have to work on that. Josh has been sick and running a fever since Monday. He's been staying away from the baby, but I'm still a little worried. I've been checking Luke's temp and no fever, so I don't know. 

I gave in and called the Ped to ask for the Zantac for Luke. It had been a long night, and I felt terrible for him. It wasn't until 9pm that Josh and I were able to leave to go to the pharmacy. You know, because it takes like 2 days to plan a trip out with an infant. I had to pay cash for his prescription, because I hate my insurance company and they hate me. I really wanted a 'half price milkshake' from Sonic, too. So, we scurried in that direction. 

Pulling out of the pharmacy's parking lot, Josh says, "Um Dairy Queen it is." To which I replied, "No. Sonic's shakes are half price right now." He said, "you better tell them to put those lids on as tight as possible then!" A little background here: Josh recently tried one of their new shakes and hated the combo of flavors that he ordered, so he sent it back was brought a different flavor. As we were leaving, he grabbed the cup and Blam! Disaster ensued. Milkshake everywhere: into the gear shift, down the console, in-between the seats, everywhere. We drove next door to a car wash and vacuumed the ice cream from our truck. And even more recently, I had a milkshake, on a different day, that didn't have a secure lid either. So, there went ice cream, everywhere, again. It's easy to see Josh's reserve. 

When we arrived, I ordered a peanut butter, with hot fudge, shake. But, on first sip, I realized it was just a vanilla shake. I desperately wanted that peanut butter!!! So, I politely requested a new shake. The new one was almost overloaded with peanut butter, but I tried to tolerate it. 

As we get going down the road, the peanut butter is causing my mouth to stick together. So, I reach back for the initial large, vanilla shake (they didn't take it back when they brought my new one). And guess what?! The &@&!?"&!$ lid wasn't on well. Ice cream EVERYWHERE. In my purse, the console, gear shirt, in the ventilation holes of the seat, the floor, between the seat and under it. All over my hands. And I hear Josh, "Never again. I don't care if shakes are two cents. I don't care if they're free!!! Never EVER again." Still hoping the truck doesn't smell like soured milk tomorrow in the 90 degree heat. Ugh. 

To make matters worse, much worse, I decided to give Luke the Zantac when we got home. I opened a syringe that I had at home with a needle on it. I drew up Luke's dose and discarded the needle. I squirted 1/4-1/2 ml into his cheek. He made an awful face, swallowed a bit, then tried spitting the rest out. He started gagging in a dry-heaving-like motion. Then, he vomited all over both of us. I thought I had given him too much. I rocked him and apologized over and over again. He didn't appear in pain, just disgusted by the taste. It had a spearmint smell. I should have tasted it myself first.

I decided to try to put just a few drop on his tongue, instead. But I scratched his gums with the stupid syringe. I felt it scrape. Omg I felt soooo bad. I can't even begin to describe how bad. He tried spitting out the second set of drops, then vomited again. Poor baby. I just held him close to me, vomit and all, and rocked him while trying not to cry. What an awful, awful day.

I was hopeful that we could end the day with a happy bath. Luke loves bath time. And this bath was no different; he enjoyed it. He has developed this new thing he likes to do in the bath where he shows his tongue a lot. He sticks it out like he is exaggeratively licking his lips over and over again. It's usually hilarious, but this time, I noticed blood in his mouth. Ahhhh! From where I scraped his gums! I wanted to crawl in a hole. Bad, bad mommy. I just need to sleep this awful day away. 

Here's to a better tomorrow!

2 Months

Weight: 13 lbs 3 oz (84.1%)

Length: 22.75" (54%)

Head: 39.25 cm (72.6%)

Man, I've missed blogging!

It's been 2 months since Luke was born, and I'm slacking on here. I can't count the times I've made a blog post in my head at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm showering, or feeding Luke, in the middle of giving a bath, or driving down the road. Times when I obviously can't blog. So frustrating. I've come up with some good stuff. Stories like projectile vomit turning into a waterfall under daddy's shirt onto the floor with classic daddy-dry-heaving. This is my journal. I need to be recording these things. Stories to look back on and laugh at. Maybe I will print my blog one day and make it a book for story time with Luke. Can't do that without writing, though can I?

So, back on the bandwagon! I'll start by catching up a bit.

1st month: That's over already?! Yeah, it was a blur. Feeding a newborn every 2-3 hours ALL day and night is exhausting. And being in the midst of it makes it hard to believe that people everywhere are doing this all of the time and have been since the beginning of man. Seriously?! How is this planet overpopulated? How is mankind not extinct? There are some strong women out there. Granted, I'm sure not every pregnancy and delivery goes as fabulously as mine did, or I probably wouldn't be typing this. But every newborn requires this much attention, and IT IS HARD. Whew. Breather. I should also mention that I had a low milk supply. I couldn't make enough to satisfy my baby's appetite. Which was hard. I had to pump after every feeding to try to stimulate more production. I was taking supplements. And I was inexperienced. That is key, because no matter how much education you are equipped with, sometimes you just have to live it. Can I getta Amen?! 

Luke eating every 2-3 hours was killing me. Literally stripping the basic needs to life right out of me. So, take a baby that nurses for almost an hour, then mix formula to supplement, feed for another 30 minutes, and change diaper (hopefully no disasters, so it can be a quick change). Lay baby down and pray, pray, pray that kid sleeps, so I can pump for 10-15 minutes. Wash pump parts in the sink and possibly bottles, if they are all dirty. Finally, lay down, and try to go back to sleep. Just starting to fall asleep. Pillow finally feeling comfy. Baby is awake and crying at the top of his little lungs ready to eat again! Rinse and repeat. 

Maybe I could get an hour of sleep at a time, maybe not. I would typically have to stay in bed (getting up only for feedings) for 12 hours just to get 4-6 hours of sleep. I wasn't eating, because I was trying to catch up on sleep. The lack of hydration and food was probably negatively impacting my milk supply further. It was such a vicious cycle on my body. But it was dedication at its best, even though it felt like the worst. This spilled well over into the 2nd month, I should mention. 

2nd month: Just as hard. Trying to bring in more milk is so exhausting, and it would have been so easy for me to just give up and give the kid formula. SO EASY. But I decided long before he was born that I was going to give breastfeeding everything I had. And I have. Everything. 

He never slept longer than 3 hours. I felt like he should be sleeping longer at night, and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with him during the day when he was actually awake. Maybe I didn't read enough. Maybe I read too much about pregnancy and all the crap I went through instead of reading about newborns. Maybe. 

At my 6 week check-up, my OB wanted to talk about Luke the entire time. And I was annoyed by that. She wanted to tell us how he "should be" sleeping, how we "should" put him down, how he "shouldn't" be awake so long. The whole appointment was about him. But that's why we have a Pediatrician. Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean that every baby is like yours. I don't care how many books or studies you've read, when it comes to parenting, it just has to be individualized. You can offer advise, but don't tell a brand new parent what they should and shouldn't be doing if their baby is healthy. It just made me mad. I was so distracted by all of the advise that I completely forgot to even ask to get my labs drawn, so that I could see where my anemia was to get cleared to work out. I was struggling with fatigue and dizziness during an intense workout program. If it was my anemia, I wanted to take it easy until I had adequate blood cells to supply oxygen to my heart and muscles when working out. But if it was just because my butt was out of shape, I was going to push myself. 

She even forgot to give me a prescription that was for several micro urethral tears I had sustained from child birth. Sigh. And I was so frustrated that I didn't even call back to get it called in. I also didn't go back for my labs. I just decided to give my body adequate time to rebuild my iron stores and create more red blood cells before I returned to such an intense workout program (like I almost passed out after 5 minutes into the warm up!). I'll just do stair-climbing/running and sit-ups in the meantime. 

I walked out of her office feeling like the worst mom in the world. Seriously, I felt  that bad, and I know it wasn't intentional. Maybe the hormones helped a bit? Yeah, maybe that was it. 

On a good note, my mom bought this little play gym for Luke to lie in the floor and look at. He absolutely loves it. He coos and kicks and bats at all of the hanging stuff. It's adorable. Josh and I have been doing some trial and error with a sleep schedule still.

I could go on and on about all of the stuff that has happened, but it's time to move on. I'll continue with today.

Luke had his 2 month check up and shots. I fed him right before we left, so he would be content. But that also made us run late (as usual). He woke up when we got him naked for his weigh in, and he was alert and happy. And quiet. Weird for this kid. He's the noisiest baby ever! He weighed in at a whopping 13 lbs and 3 oz! His weight to height ratio was 90th percentile! He's a chunker! The Pediatrician said they don't worry about this in breastfed babies. Good. I asked about using "adjusted age" since he was premature. Our Ped said 37 weeks was considered full term and, because he was born only one week shy of that, we weren't using adjusted age for his development. So, his birth weight was in the 5th percentile for full term babies. He has accomplished some astounding catching-up! I was one proud momma. 

Luke was being so cooperative and just a delight to work with as he was being poked and prodded. Our Pediatrician is very sweet-natured and gentle, mixed with unintentional goofiness. He's been a Pediatrician for 30 years (hope he stays around as Luke grows up). He is as far from egocentric as possible, but he's very knowledgeable. We like him tons. He made the comment that the formula we were using to supplement was his favorite. He said he thought it was the best stuff on the market right now. That made me feel confident. He made me feel so much better about my parenting.

When it was time for Luke to get his oral stuff for the rotovirus and shots, the nurse was so attentive and gentle with him. He just stared at her while cooperatively sucking up the liquid. Proud mommy and daddy moment as we looked at each other and smiled. Josh and I were just in awe at how calm and cooperative he was being. He tends to be cranky at home a lot. 

When it was time for the shots, one of us had to hold him down. Instead of doing the fair thing (paper/rock/scissors), I bluntly volunteered Josh. I wasn't sure I could handle his "pain cry." I stood opposite them against the wall, anxiously. Josh gently held Luke's arms, as instructed. The nurse gave him his pacifier (which he notoriously refuses), and he took the it without the first bit of fuss. She quickly stuck his leg with a dart-like movement, and he didn't flinch. Maybe a tad at the end, because it burned? The 2nd one, he started to cry, though. Which turned into a wail through the 3rd shot. By this point, an undeniable instinct had me hovering right over him. I looked at Josh and said, "I have to take him." It wasn't a control thing. It felt like an instinct taking over. 

The nurse immediately handed him to me. He had spit out that pacifier and was screaming his "painful cry." Oh, it pierced my soul. I pressed him close to my chest and told him it was okay and that mommy was there. Within a minute or less, he went from screaming, to a pouty whine with tears in his eyes, to just blinking a lot while looking at me. I needed that. I needed to know that I could soothe him when he needed me. It made me feel like I'm doing this mommy thing right.